The Perfect Hot Dog

The above dog is not perfect, and soon you’ll know why.

The Perfect Hot Dog. The PERFECT Hot Dog. Now you can take this a lot of different directions. There are even people who have gone as far as to make these giant posters about what each region considers a perfect dog. And of course, you have serious opinions on all sides. Me? I'm more of a braut guy, but since it’s three days after the Fourth of July and you fiends need content (just kidding, of course, I'm very thankful for all twelve of my readers) I'll tell you what makes up MY perfect dog.

First off, and this is important, I do NOT care where you get the dog from. I don't care what went into it. I don't care if it's Kosher or if it's the supermarket special (S/o to Kirkland brands for getting me through college). The contents of the dog do not matter to me. A hot dog is a hot dog is a hot dog. So right off the bat, I'm an easy man to please. Get the 64 pack for $12 and get back to the grill where things actually start to matter.

At the grill, I start to get a little bit more particular. For a hot dog to be "Perfect" as defined by Eric Brunts, I need grill marks. NEED them. Like I need air to breathe, I need a charred dog. If it doesn't have evidence of being cooked on a grill, then I don't want it sliding into my buns. Yes, that was a euphemism, although I don't actually understand the meaning. I want it cooked on high heat, looking like it just slid out of a charcoal commercial. Those char marks are going to give it just the slightest little texture play (slight crunch). If this is overdone, you begin to feel like you're eating the fuel to the grill, and nobody likes that.

On to the bun. This is another important thing. The bun cannot be too deep or too long for the length of the dog, but should match perfectly. I HATE eating extra bun just to get to the meat. And vice versa, long dogs with insufficient buns mean I'm eating a portion of my meal without that holy trinity of dog + bun + sauces. That isn't me and that isn't perfect. Bottom line: bun length = dog length. Do you get it? You get it. It’s not rocket science.

Oh, one last thing about the bun. I take mine fresh and lightly toasted. Ideally with some sort of seed on the bun. Poppyseed works. As do sesame seeds. Not too picky on seed type but it must be fresh and chewy and must be lightly toasted.

We are through two out of three steps but we have now arrived at the most important of all: the condiments. This is where the big arguments come up in most major hot dog eating circles. Joey Chestnut likes his dunked in water but since we aren't eating 75 of these in 12 minutes, we're gonna go ahead and make ours edible.

Aside: Joey Chestnut set a new record for the hot dog eating contest this year at 75. The man is a walking definition of the word “Dynasty” and we are all lucky to be alive at the same time as this legend.

I'm going to get a LOT of heat for this take, but I don't give a shit. If you don't want to eat my dog, don't. And send me an email on why your version is better. No seriously, send me an email. I'm curious to hear what others think (for once).

My condiments of choice are simple:

• Ketchup (Heinz).

• Spicy Brown Mustard (brand unimportant).

• Sweet Relish

That's it. That's all I need. I think people from Chicago make fun of people who put ketchup on their dogs? I think that's a thing. To be honest I don't care. I'm no more or less manly because of the type of squeezable liquids I put on my meal.

That's it. That is truly it. Chargrilled hotdog (with ANY meat content), on a toasted seeded bun with ketchup, spicy mustard, and relish. That simple recipe could have me going through thousands of cylindrical calories on a hot summer day. I toast to you my hot dog and ice-cold Coors Light for this holiday that is lacking a little of its luster in 2020. I hope everyone held their family close. Grilled up some meats. And tried to remember the good things about this country, while accepting that there are still things that need changing.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone.

Pew pew pew (firework noise).

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