Passion

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Post length: ~2000 words, 7 minutes

Barbarian Days: A story all about passion

One of my favorite books that I read last year was Barbarian Day: A Surfing Life by Bill Finnegan. The book is an autobiography that follows one man's lifetime obsession with Surfing. In it, Finnegan describes his introduction to the sport of surfing, the many years he spent bumming around the Pacific Ocean in search of a perfect wave, what he had to do to make ends meet while on this lifelong adventure, and his experience with surfing when back in the United States while working as a writer for the New Yorker. The story spans 50 years of this man's life chasing waves and detailing his love for a sport that shaped the entire trajectory of his time on earth. Reading it as a new lover of the sport was both inspirational and a little depressing. Inspirational in that this man lived a more interesting life than anyone I’ve read about before, and made it seem like anyone could do what he did. Depressing in that it was an awakening slap to the face: I may never love anything as much as Bill Finnegan loves Surfing.

The way Bill describes surfing is not unlike someone who has an addiction. His life is defined by his surf sessions (his highs) and what he does in order to get to his surf sessions. Judging from his autobiography he spent a vast majority of his time alive surfing, thinking about surfing, talking about surfing, or some combination of the three. The other things he does (at least in his younger years) are mostly done to enable his addiction. He surfs against his better wishes and at times at the risk of his health. He describes paddling out into waves that make him fear for his life not because he wants to, but because he feels too guilty to not paddle out.

Even while describing epic surf trips to remote islands in the Pacific his writing detailed deep existential angst that he was wasting his life surfing. These negative feelings reveal a troubled relationship with a passion that he doesn't seem to have complete control over. Eerily similar to addicts who chase the next high no matter the cost.

To hear me describe it in this way, you would think he hates it. Or that it is like smoking, a troubling habit that he enjoys but would be better off quitting. While there may be times where he recognizes a negative side effect of his passion, you wouldn’t hear him dare come close to admitting he needs to give it up.

For all that Surfing took, it gave just as much. His dedication to chasing waves took him to countless countries and beaches that most of us could not dream of visiting. He met lifelong friends in every city he moved to (and he spent significant amounts of time in more than 15 countries throughout his life). Surfing gave him a reason to explore and a built-in group of fellow obsessors no matter where he lived.

That level of passion and dedication is rare to see, which is why Bill's book on his lifelong obsession coupled with beautiful prose (developed from years of writing for the New Yorker) won him a Pulitzer Prize for Barbarian Days. This book also gives a uniquely personal view into someone solely obsessed with one thing and how that passion can shape a life.

Passion at an abstract level

The passion to pursue something at all costs is something I'm curious about. Is it a useful force that gives life meaning or is it a debilitating fog that clouds the life of otherwise happy, well-balanced people?

I think the answer is probably “Yes”. True unbridled passion obscures your view from many of the fruits of a well-balanced life but at the same time takes you to places that well-balanced people couldn’t possibly imagine seeing for themselves.

On the one hand, I don't know that having one thing absorb that much of your life and mental capacity is healthy. Passion drives people to do insane things and many action sports athletes have followed their passion into a premature death leaving friends and family to miss them for the rest of their lives. That obsessive passion creates meaning in and of itself, but oftentimes at the cost of many other areas of life or even life as a whole.

On the flip side, it seems shallow and cold to go through life without experiencing that pure passion for an activity, person, or business. The idea of a lukewarm, "well-balanced" life is one that feels unfulfilled. Like stopping short of peak human experience is leaving something on the table for when you die. I’m sure that each of those athletes who died prematurely knew what they were doing and was aware of the risks involved.

There is a quote, that I have kept coming back to over the years from a book called My Uncle Oswald that says:

I am almost certain that “white-hot passion” is responsible for almost every major advancement in human history. Without people who care more about their passion than their health and their sense of a balanced life, we wouldn’t have half or more of the things that make life living in 2022 so great.

• Without white-hot passion we don’t have Barbarian Days (and countless other Pulitzer Prize winning books).

• It is that passion that drives David Fincher to reshoot the same scene hundreds of times to get it perfect and create generation-defining films.

• It was that burning passion that kept Kobe waking up at 3 am to get to the gym hours before anyone else had started their day and thus giving generations of basketball fans an idol to look up to.

I speak about this as an observer, because I have never loved anything the way Kobe loved basketball. Or the way that Bill Finnegan loved surfing. Or the way that Joey Chestnut loves hot dogs (speculation). I just haven't been there. I've gone through phases, where skiing has taken over my life. I've spent days watching ski videos and participating in online forums instead of doing my homework. I've skipped class to go skiing and would gladly miss a day of work for a big powder day. But still, it doesn't dominate my life. It hasn't driven my behavior outside of all consequences and as a result, I will likely do nothing of note on skis. I won't ski the top lines in Alaska and won't drop a 40-foot cliff. I won't be remembered for being a skier and it is unlikely that I will write about skiing as the backdrop for my autobiography. That is the tradeoff I have made. I've sacrificed notoriety for "balance" (whatever that means). And after some reflection, I realized that I’m OK with that.

A healthy obsession

What I’ve got with skiing, and sometimes surfing is what I'll call a healthy obsession. And I'll suggest to everyone that you experience a bare minimum of one in your life. I've gone through stretches of ski fever such that nothing else matters. And those are some of the happiest times of my life. When I was obsessed with improving skiing and dropping that next big cliff or landing that first backflip I felt completely present and entirely alive. Those are some of my fondest memories and I've suffered little to none for them. That vigorous pursuit of something adds color to this gray life. It brings out the nuance in our behavior and it brings us past the Pareto 80% competence up to the top of the spectrum and pushes us to our upper limit of excellence. While this is obviously not a requirement to live a fulfilled life, some of the happiest people are perfectly satisfied doing their little tasks and living their lives and those people are not ones I would look down upon. I still have a hunch that those people who live their lives without something they are white-hot and passionate about, even for a chunk of time, struggle more to find meaning in their chosen professional or personal lives.

A healthy obsession gives a taste of what the Bill Finnegan’s and Kobe Bryant’s of the world experienced every day of their lives. As a “normal” person I will never think the way they do but if I can push myself into an activity or hobby or professional endeavor that gobbles my mental real estate to the point where I eat, sleep, and breathe it, even for a limited stretch of time, I get a taste of what they gorged on throughout their years on earth. That, for me and I imagine most people, is enough. The comforts of a life lived in balance are far too great for me to give them up in pursuit of any one thing. But having those healthy obsessions from time to time adds depth and nuance to life and gives something interesting to talk about with your friends and acquaintances. Plus, those obsessions could possibly bring you into the realm of like-minded, lifelong friends. Because there is no friendship made faster than one between two people who are addicted to the same thing (no, not drugs).

How to find a healthy obsession

If I had to go about finding a healthy obsession now, I would ask myself this list of questions and then actually go out and do these things. Because there is only one way to know if you actually like something and that is to actually go do it.

1. What have you been daydreaming about?

2. What do you love getting better at?

3. What is something that you really look forward to doing?

4. If you could get paid to do any one thing, what would it be? (crass answers need not be considered)

5. What could you do for hours and never tire of?

As for me, I’m going to be seeking more healthy obsessions with my spare time. One of them is writing. So I’m committing myself to publish a single piece every week for the rest of the year. In addition to that, I'm going to start chasing rabbit holes to their bottom. There are things that I'm interested in, that I just don't sink my teeth into for one reason or another. That is going to change. I've always loved skiing, we're going to do more of that this year. My desire to read has skyrocketed, so I'm going to pour some more gas on that fire. Surfing will continue to be a subconscious desire for my time going forward. I'll continue to seek out musical moments shared with my friends. I've got a lot I want to do more of, but if anything else comes up, I'm going after that too. Life is too short to be lukewarm, so I'm going to spend as much time as possible striking while it’s hot.